SEXUAL INTIMACY

Intimacy involves feelings of emotional closeness and connected-ness with another person. 

There are four types of intimacy: emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical.

Intimacy usually means mutual vulnerability, openness, and sharing. It is often present in close, loving relationships such as marriages and friendships. The term is also sometimes used to refer to sexual interactions, but intimacy does not have to be sexual

The Five Levels of Intimacy

Psychologists have identified 5 levels of emotional intimacy we all move through as we get to know someone.

Level One: Safe Communication

Level one is the lowest level of communication. We call it safe because it involves the exchange of facts and information. There are no feelings, opinions or personal vulnerability involved, and therefore no risk of rejection. This is the kind of interaction we have with people we don’t know well such as the grocery store clerk who we chitchat with. People communicating at this level share minimal intimacy.

Level Two: Sharing Others’ Opinions and Beliefs

At level two we start sharing other people’s thoughts, beliefs and opinions. We say things like, “My mother always says…” or “One of my favorite authors said…” Such statements test the other person’s reaction to what we’re sharing without offering our own opinions. This is slightly more vulnerable than level one, but because we’re not sharing our own opinions we can distance ourselves from the opinion if we feel threatened by criticism or rejection.

Level Three: Personal Opinions and Beliefs

We start taking small risks at this level because we begin to share our own thoughts, opinions and beliefs. But like the level one and level two, if we begin feeling too vulnerable, we can switch our opinions or change our mind in order to avoid conflict or pain.

Level Four: My Feelings and Experiences

Sharing feelings and experiences is the next level of vulnerability and intimacy. At this level we talk about our joys, pain, and failures; our mistakes in the past, our dreams, and our goals. This level is more vulnerable because we are sharing our feelings, details of our past or current experiences/situations. If we sense that we may be rejected or criticized, all we can do is try to convince others that we’re no longer impacted by our past.

Level Five: My Needs, Emotions and Desires

Level five is the highest level of intimacy. It is the level that requires the greatest amount of trust. If I can’t trust that you won’t reject me, I’ll never be able to share my true self with you. Unlike the other levels, there is no escape at this level. You believe that once you let someone see who you really are, once you let them know how you really feel, then you can no longer convince them otherwise. Communicating at this level means we offer someone the most vulnerable part of ourselves. And the greatest fear is that they could use it against us later. When we share things like, “I’m hurt when you don’t spend time with me,” I don’t feel any desire for sex” “I am having a problem getting an erection” or “I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you” we’re sharing not only our hurts, worries, fears but also our desires and needs. It’s also the level where we let others see our emotional reaction to things.

True Intimacy

It’s important to understand that true intimacy in a relationship happens over time…not in a day, week or even a month. Think of your best friend…how long did it take before you felt at the highest level of intimacy with them, where you were able to trust them completely, or share your deepest self? It’s the same in romantic relationships…true intimacy develops over time. But another important element is needed for true intimacy…both people in the relationship need to move through the levels together. If I’m sharing at level four with someone (feelings and experiences) but my partner is sharing at level three (opinions and beliefs) we’re not experiencing true intimacy. I may feel closer because I’m sharing at a higher level, but in reality what we have is a false sense of intimacy.  In truth, intimacy is measured by the person with the lower level of vulnerability.

Sex…A False Sense of Intimacy

When you look at the five levels, I’m sure you’d agree that the fifth or highest level is the healthiest, safest and most intimate place to have sex. When we feel loved unconditionally, and have the highest level of trust, we’ll be able to give ourselves completely to each other, increasing intimacy and the enjoyment of sex. We can have sex at the other levels, but without that same level of trust the vulnerability of sex may be associated with anxiety, fear and distrust. As I’ve led women through healing, I’ve discovered that they have the hardest time with sex if they’re not at this highest level with their partner, and if they’ve been wounded by sex with others in lower levels of intimacy, whether through abuse or their own choices.

During sexual arousal and release men and women release an amazing hormone called oxytocin. Scientists call oxytocin the hormone of love, the superglue that creates strong relational bonds. Releasing this hormone increases trust in a relationship, bonds people together, and causes intimacy. Oxytocin is also released in women when they give birth and when they breast feed their babies. 

When we have sex with someone before we have established a level 5 intimacy, we are creating a false sense of intimacy in our relationship. The sex makes us feel closer than we really are.

Emotional intimacy can get stalled at the level where we start having sex. Emotional intimacy REQUIRES being able to risk conflict in order to move to the next level. Handling conflict in a healthy and safe way without being rejected is what allows us to build the trust needed to communicate at higher, more vulnerable levels. But now that you are having sex, you feel close, and you won’t want to risk losing this person. And so although we may occasionally move to higher levels,we’ll continue to fall back into that safe zone to communicate. We may sense that there’s something missing, but then with sex, we’ll feel that surge of closeness again, making us feel all is well.